Household Vermin to Die For

We bought a house in the suburban neighborhood of Baywood Chase where classic Aussie "Brick and Tile" houses rest upon manicured lawns. This would be my very first lawn. Its still green. I have not been here long. Under our manicured lawn, I was told, lay several dogs. Ok, I left my 22 year old cat buried by my front door in San Francisco and told nobody. Dead dogs no problem. Then I am informed that the dog I was standing on died from the paralysis tic. This tic bites your dog and then the dog's hind legs start to become paralyzed and if you don't get the dog to the vet on time, this paralysis will creep up until your dog can no longer breathe and dies. Oh, and by the way, there are paralysis tics in the back garden and I need to check my dog as well as my kids for these tics. !!! Later that afternoon the pest inspector was at our house to check for termites. I asked him if he could spray the back garden for tics.

"I don't recommend that. The spray really makes the funnel web spiders mad."

"You mean there are funnel web spiders in my garden?!?"

Funnel Webs are the most deadly spider in Australia.

"Oh yeah" he said "they're everywhere. But don't worry, they aren't like the ones down south. Those guys will chase ya across the yard."

I yearn for the days when all I had to worry about was being mugged.

Magpie

Sounds lovely "Magpie" doesn't it? Sweet, friendly, cute, cuddly magpie...WRONG! This bird is the real reason Australians wear hats. Among the many perils of Australian wild life are these black and white birds, crow-like in shape but thankfully a bit smaller. They are ubiquitous throughout the area and dive-bomb pedestrians and dogs in a Hitchcockian manner. This is because Magpies are probably the world's best parents. One can hear the constant call of the baby magpie imploring their mother to feed it. In fact, nearly fully mature magpies will hop behind their mother peeping incessantly while the mother picks up bugs and shoves it into the young one's mouth. All day. Surely this youth, the same size as it's mother can fetch its own bugs? Feels somehow familiar and I empathise with the busy mum. It is when the chicks are in the nest that the dive bombing begins. People walking their dogs, children biking to school, mailmen delivering mail all fall victim to this ferocious parent of animal kingdom. ...That said, it would make a good drinking game:

Wallabies

Wallabies are large, thick necked, hairy creatures found only in Brisbane. Seen in large numbers running swiftly accross fields, they often emit a "grunting" sound when they come into contact with each other. Found in the colors yellow and green. Sponsers include Quantas and Telstra.

The Ibis

The Ibis is a nearly knee high bird with a rat tail-like head and feathers on its back end resembling a rotting vintage boa. Originating from Hades, the Ibis ascended from the netherworld to infest Australian urban centers to feed off the discards of humanity. Much like the pigeon, it will hang around picnickers in hopes of a morsel. However, unlike the pigeon, it cannot simply be shooed away. One must swing violently at it, most preferably with a diaper bag or umbrella.